Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
