I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
