Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
