i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize