your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
