I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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