I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
