Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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