I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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