I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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