I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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