He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
