just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
