Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
