Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
