last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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