Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize