a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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