I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
