I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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