Porn is love you can see.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
