i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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