Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
