I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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