Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
