I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
