To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize