I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I need a beard to bite.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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