I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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