I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize