You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
