dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
