the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The feeling are messing with the penis
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
