it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
