after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
