He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
