pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
