Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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