All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
