he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
