There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
