I think I won the penis lottery.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
sex in a hospital.. check
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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