just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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