the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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