Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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