I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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