I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
