Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
