enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
