After last night, I could never be a politician.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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