I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
