I met the friendliest cop last night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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