I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
