She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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