Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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