apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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