Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize