4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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