Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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