I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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