This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
