Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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