I think I am morally bankrupt
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
