omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
