"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
