she woke up with a sticky ear
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
